One of my lifelong friends is simplicity exemplified. She is one of those people who is 100% content with ‘enough’. You never get the sense that she needs or wants for more – more things, more success, more anything. And I am always in awe of her. She has such an ease. She is happy and fulfilled being a mom, working and enjoying a quiet evening at home with her husband and kids.
For some reason contentment seems to be an elusive pursuit for me. Maybe it’s because I grew up in a house where sleeping in was ‘wasting your day away.’ Maybe it’s because as a little girl, I was told to reach for the stars and that I could be anything or do anything I wanted. Maybe it’s because I grew up in a small town and always felt like there was a HUGE world out there to experience and explore. Maybe it’s because for years I was told I was smart and talented. Or maybe it’s because I just LOVE learning and am interested in so many different things. Maybe it’s because I’ve lived in major urban areas since leaving my hometown almost 20 years ago (man that sentence makes me feel OLD!) Or maybe it’s because it’s just my personality to continuously seek more from myself and from life. But I have a really hard time being content.
Don’t get me wrong, I am happy. I love my kids, my husband, my friends, my life. Despite never ever imagining the life I live today, I am beyond fortunate and grateful to stay home and raise my three beautiful kids. I love our long days of playgrounds, Paw Patrol pups and superhero battles. I love being able to live in an area where it is beautiful and sunny 99.9% of the time. I love the village I have built across the country from my childhood home. But I always feel like I’m missing something. Like I haven’t quite arrived. Like I’m waiting for something to begin.
I have spent the better part of the past 5 years becoming a mom – discovering who I am as a mother and where the woman I was before kids fits in. 5+ years and 3 kids into motherhood, I’m still trying to figure out who I am. I finally feel like I’m becoming an ‘adult’ and I’m finally starting to let go of the memory of the girl I was pre-kids to make way for the woman I actually am today. And that’s a process.
That means deciding what aspects of ‘me’ are so deeply engrained into my being that they transcend the stages of my life. It also means accepting and saying good-bye to the bits of me that no longer ‘fit’ and welcoming in parts of ‘me’ I haven’t fully explored yet. Because while I still firmly believe at my CORE, I am and always will be that little girl who would rather run wildly through a muddy puddle with messy hair than stay clean and dry and put together, I also know that over the course of my life I have tried on different versions of myself, some that fit, some that didn’t, and I’m ready to get back to my most authentic self – whoever she is.
Part of my journey will be through starting a Podcast – Rock This Life, where I will talk to other people who are living their ‘best life’ (whatever that means), and explore with them and other ‘experts’ what it really means to find purpose, live authentically, follow your passions, and create a life inspired by authenticity. And I’m so scared to do it.
I have started and stopped A LOT in my life. I have a tendancy to follow passions and turn back before getting to the top of the mountain. I have stood at the crossroads paralyzed with an inability to pick a path. I have spent the better part of my adult life trying to just DECIDE on what I should do with my life. I’ve allowed the fear of choosing the wrong path to prevent me from moving forward in any direction. I’ve been a passenger in the ride of my life. And I’m done allowing my life to ‘happen to me’.
I am taking the reins and throwing all of my need for a clear cut path out the window in lieu of uncertain action. For once, I am determined to start and CONTINUE…I am starting a venture that doesn’t have a ‘set path’ or an end point so to speak. There is no ‘final destination’ and I have NO idea if my podcast will succeed or fail. I have no idea if it will be any good at all or if anyone will actually listen. I mean my own mother rarely even reads this blog. But despite all this uncertainty I am hoping that this journey in self-exploration and conversation will lead somewhere. I am hoping that in doing this I can shift the focus of my life from figuring out what I want to ‘do with my life’ to just doing something and hoping that in the process I become who I am meant to be in this life.
So if you want to follow along on my journey, check out my new podcast page!