Happy Birthday to me! Today I am 30. I’m not sure how I feel about that. So, I’ve decided to spend the first 30 days of my 30s exploring (i.e. convincing myself) how being in my 30s is a wonderful thing. Please indulge me as I commence gross amounts of rationalization…
Let’s start with pure narcissism. Being attractive in your 20s is a requirement; being attractive in your 30s is a pride-inducing feat. And should you remain attractive from this stage on – you will always be perceived as hotter than you actually are. It’s true. If someone is hot in their 20s, no big deal. But see an attractive woman and then find out they are over the age of 30, the response is an overly animated “WOW, you look AMAZING” – often delivered with a wide-eyed expression of both shock and admiration. I received this response from 100% of the people I told I was turning 30, and I’m still trying to decide if this is a backhanded compliment or not, but for the sake of rationalization I’m going to go with ‘or not’.
* * I will for the purposes of self-appeasement omit how everyone also feels the need to add something to the effect of, “I thought you were way younger” or “you still look like you are in your 20s”. Both of which may imply that being in your 30s is un-desirable and that being in your 20s is society’s cutoff for universal hotness categorization. Let’s pretend like these statements are just an affirmation that I look fantastic and not at all a slight on the fact that society now views me as that piece of fruit in the bottom of the fruit bowl that you waited a little to long to eat and now only has a couple good bites left if you are really hungry, but most of if is rotten and mushy. (and yes, that run-on sentence was a run-on for dramatic effect)
Back to my original theory…Our 20s are the years we are supposed to look our best, all youthful and dewy and such; whereas the 30s are the great equalizer. It is the decade during which the playing field drastically evens out. Many once beautifully attractive 20 year olds quickly decline into frazzled moms in faded leggings and t-shirts laden with peanut butter and snot. Or the career types become overworked, exhausted drones with bags under their eyes, and a little extra padding due to hours upon hours of sitting staring at the screen. (Oh and you can start to see the development of a little hunch in their back from poor workplace ergonomics…placing them approximately 10 years from a depressingly steady decline into hunched old lady status) So, I’ve decided/rationalized/convinced myself that if I can remain attractive from this day forward, I will always be perceived as hotter than I actually am. For this reason, I will not lie about my age, but instead invest massive amounts of money into non-surgical ways of retaining the appearance of my youth while proudly proclaiming the number of years I have been alive. Because if I can manage to enter and exit my 30s (and I will say, genetics are on my side – thanks Mom and Dad) still looking like a hottie, I will continue to be viewed as hotter than I am. It’s like doubling my investment. I’m not good at economics, I actually failed it twice in college, but if I remember correctly…I think that is what is referred to as a probable good return. Or I just made that up. Either way, I’m gonna go with it. Here’s to looking hotter than I am – all because my age starts with a 3!!!
Stay tuned for tomorrow’s rationalization #2.