Thank you for smoking…(cue sarcasm)

Global warming is most definitely upon us.  Polar ice caps are melting, the earth is heating from the core.  Our children will likely live in a steamy hot, hades-like climate year round (here’s hoping there are vast advancements in air conditioning technology)  *note to self: when I have money to invest someday, and I decide to actually figure out what a stock is, buy many stock options in major air conditioning companies…they will be worth a lot when the globe gets fully warmed by our pollution.  Long story short, apparently the world is ending, but in the meantime the weather is REALLY nice.

I remember our first winter moving back to the east coast after leaving Los Angeles – by the way, NEVER decide to move to New York City in January…it’s shocking to the system and quite miserable to learn your way around when you can’t see street signs through sleet and half the subways are shut down.  That winter was COLD, I mean hate your life, hibernate for winter, never ever leave the house, fight over who has to let the dog out cold.  Plus, in January you can’t find a winter jacket anywhere.  A lesson that left me squeezing my rear end into my high school winter jacket – a sensible pepto bismol colored pea coat that did not keep me warm, was slightly embarrassing to be seen in, and with a sweater underneath was just asking for an imitation of the classic SNL “fat man in a little coat” skit.

The second winter I was better prepared, got a cute new NYC chic black pea coat – which left me still very cold, yet I refused to look like another marshmallow waddling through the city in my giant puffy jacket.  And then I caved.  I decided there was no amount of self-respect that could replace the idea of being WARM as I braved my winter commute.  Cue winter number three – I am prepared.  North Face puffy jacket (check), cute anthropologie ear warmers (check), hunter boots with fleece inserts (check), cold weather ???? where you at ????

It is not cold.  It has not been cold.  Aside from one random one-day snow storm at Halloween, it has been unseasonably warm.  Read your bible and go to church cause the end may be near kind of warm.  AND I LOVE IT!  People murmur about “the big one” that is bound to come…yet it has not.  Today was gorgeous.  Literally about 60 degrees, slight breeze more reminiscent of a crisp fall day in the air, and sun blazing bright.

I got out of rehearsal and was pumped to go grab some grub at Whole Foods and have myself a little picnic in Union Square.  But, as I walked outside, I was bombarded with a whiff full of cigarette smoke.  As usual I looked around for the offender and strategically slipstreamed my way out of the windfall.  And then I was hit again, and again, and again.  As I got closer to Union Square it became apparent that the warm weather was also a call to the wild for all smokers in NYC to safely resume their chain-smoking past time.  It was as if every smoker in the city got a tweet luring them outside to smoke.  I get it, you’re addicted, whatever.  At this day in age, I just think you are a moron.  The verdict is out.  You will die.  Yes, you can argue, we will all die; or everything these days will kill you.  To which my response is, perhaps, but seriously YOU WILL DIE, not maybe, not kind of, not possibly, but YOU WILL.  And not only that, but the verdict is out that your second-hand smoke will also kill those around you.  So not only are you suicidal, but you are also a homicidal sociopath.  Just stating facts.  In a perfect world, smokers would have to walk around in some sort of bubble that gives them the joy of smoking their precious cancer sticks, and the added bonus of basking in their concentrated second-hand smoke.  I admit this is a bit severe…but seriously, nothing makes me more annoyed than not being able to enjoy a beautiful day.

For this reason, NYC has even passed a law banning smoking in all public parks and pedestrian areas…however, they also in order to avoid the backlash of all the type-A, chain-smoking, angry New Yorkers, publicly announced that they will never enforce it.  Genious.  Government – I heart you.  So what are we left with:  a law banning smoking, a beautiful day, smoke filled air and a complete inability to enjoy a nice lunchtime picnic without some rat-poison laced oxygen.

Today was a pleasant reminder.  First of all, I am so beyond grateful that I live in Jersey – despite stereotypes and popular perception, fresh air is aplenty.  Second of all, if I want to enjoy fresh air in this city, I need to bundle up and take it when I can get it – in the dead of winter when all the smokers disappear.  The air may freeze my nostrils and increase my number of winter colds, but my lungs will be smiling.  And lastly, I need to find a hidden park in NYC where smokers do not go…suggestions??

** I would apologize to any smokers that read this, but I’m not sorry.  I don’t hate you, I hate your disgusting habit that will kill you, kill those around you, and at this point is just trashy, tacky, and sad at best.  Gone are the days of “cool” smokers; it is now a mark of your stupidity for continuing a habit that rots your body from the inside out in a tarry black filth.  Ew.

Make love, not second hand smoke.  The end.


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